


Deux Etoiles

by flothauvin98



Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: Antoine Griezmann shut up challenge, French National Team, Gen, Group chat, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, as they should - Freeform, everyone hates griezmann, everyone loves n'golo kanté, ousmane hasn't forgotten the blackface, the atleti boys hate varane, the psg boys hate pogba
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-11
Updated: 2019-04-21
Packaged: 2019-11-15 07:32:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18069212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flothauvin98/pseuds/flothauvin98
Summary: ben creates a group chat for the boys to stay in touch during club football. he soon regrets it





	1. Chapter 1

Ben Mendy created a group chat

DEUX ETOILES

raphaël: what's this

ousmane: its a group chat raph

ousmane: i know ur a dad now but surely you know how to use a phone

raphaël: I KNOW WHAT A GROUPCHAT IS

raphaël: IM WONDERING WHY

kylian: so that i can talk to you guys without paul trying to kill me

paul: SHUT UP TURTLE GO CHOKE ON YOUR QATARI MONEY

kylian: see?

hugo: paul don't be a sore loser

presko: yeah paul just take the L

paul: fuck u guys antoine would agree with me

ben: don't u fucking dare

lucas: please paul don't

Paul Pogba added Anto Griezmann to the group chat

raphaël: hugo please make these kids stop

hugo: ben

ben: yeah?

hugo: if i leave you're gonna put me back in the group right?

ben: absolutely

lucas: hey raph how does it feel to be 3rd place

raphaël: how many ucl trophies do you have?

raphaël: oh yeah

lucas: at least i haven't scored an own goal in the past week

presko: guys nobody cares about la liga beef

paul: antoine?

anto: yeah i was just checking how many days until international break

hugo: why

anto: so that u assholes can fight in real life instead of blowing up my phone

areola: i second that

nabil: third

flo thauvin: fourth

lucas: aren't you guys busy in the farmers league?

n'golo: please stop fighting we're a team

raphaël: i'm sorry

lucas: it was my fault

n'golo: paul?

paul: i'm sorry kylian

presko: ???

paul: you too kim

pavard: HEY GUYS STUTTGART JUST WON 5-1

kylian: nobody cares benji

lucas: yeah

pavard: NGOLO TELL THEM

n'golo: you're on your own benji


	2. country roads

_several hours later_

**ousmane** : please stop

 **anto** : COUNTRY ROADS

 **nabil** : oh god

 **anto** : TAKE ME HOME

 **anto** : TO THE PLACE

 **flo** **thauvin** : lucas is this normal

 **anto** : WHERE I BELONNNNNNNNNNNG

 **lucas** : all

 **lucas** : the

 **anto** : WEST VIRGINIA

 **lucas** : time

 **anto** : MOUNTAIN MOMMA

 **ben** : i told you paul

 **anto** : hey guys have you heard of this cool new game called fortnite

 **anto** : it's like super duper cool

 **paul** : WELL I DIDNT THINK IT WOULD END UP LIKE THIS

 **hugo** : yes antoine we've heard of it

 **anto** : really? i thought it was super obskure

 **nabil** : *obscure

 **ben** : OH REALLY

 **ben** : YOU THOUGHT THINGS WOULD BE ANY DIFFERENT WITH ANTOINE 'HEY GUYS HAVE YOU HEARD OF FORTNITE' GRIEZMANN????

 **paul** : don't say it

 **anto** : THATS AN L PAUL

 **ben** : I TOLD YOU THIS WHITE DEVIL CANT BE TRUSTED

 **anto** : excuse you? i'm actually 1/16 congolese

 **ousmane** : sure bout that buddy

 **anto** : yeah paul said i had black in me

 **hugo** : PAUL

 **hugo** : WHY

 **thomas** **lemar** : all this suffering because of you

 **kylian** : do you know how many teammates of this fool have been subjected to horrible treatment from him?

 **ousmane** : thomas speak your truth

 **thomas** **lemar** : one time.....

 **nabil** : go on buddy

 **thomas** **lemar** : he made me watch all 10 seasons of friends with him and said 'ain't that shit tight my nigga?'

 **ousmane** : oh god

 **ben** : you poor thing

 **anto** : IT WAS ONE TIME

 **flo** **thauvin** : shut up

 **hugo** : that sounds really rough thomas? are you okay now?

 **anto** : as a black man

 **kylian** : don't make me post a picture of you with That Haircut

 **hugo** : KYLIAN MBAPPE

 **hugo** : WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT PUTTING NSFW CONTENT IN THE CHAT

 **ben** : DISGOSTING

 **nabil** : i.... haff to laugh

 **pavard** : hey guys can we change my name

 **pavard** : i would prefer benji

 **anto** : shut up you curly haired bastard

 **pavard** : at least i'm not a walking minstrel show

 **anto** : WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME

 **paul** : he said you have nice hair

 **n'golo** : don't call each other names

 **n'golo** : it's not nice

 **hugo** : yeah what he said

 **kylian** : nice one captain


	3. africa

**n'golo** : how's germany?

**hugo** : i've mostly been in the hotel

**flo**   **thauvin** : he was asking benji dumbass

**pavard** : stuttgart is really nice this time of year

**tolisso** : münchen is even better

**ousmane** : of course

**tolisso** : you should come and visit lucas!

**benji** : i second this

**ribery** : i as well

**ousmane** : who the fuck let you in grandpa

**ribery** : my good friend antwan

**anto** : it's antoine actually

**paul** : why did you do that grizi?

**anto** : i thought it would be nice to have some legends here

**nabil** : and you brought him?

**ribery** : HEY I WON THE TREBLE

**kylian** : when?

**hugo** : don't worry kyky you were still in middle school

_Florian Thauvin kicked Franck Ribery out of deux etoiles_

**tolisso** : thanks flo

**tolisso** : oh and benji?

**benji** : yeah

**tolisso** : get used to that asshole

**blaise** : isn't he retiring?

**ousmane** : the devil never rests

**anto** : gonna take a lot to drag me away from you

**areola** : not again

**anto** : there's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do

**nabil** : here it comes

**anto** : I BLESS THE RAINS DOWN IN AFRICA

 

_Blaise Matuidi created a group chat_

_OLD MEN_

**hugo**  : hey guys who created the internet

**blaise**  : dunno

**hugo**  : okay

**hugo**  : im gonna fight dunno

**steve**  : why am i here

**nzonzi**  : it's a group

**steve**  : YES I KNOW HOW GROUP CHATS WORK

**hugo**  : oh god not again

**blaise**  : what's an appropriate age to withdraw from international football?

**giroud**  : why am i here

**giroud**  : i'm not old

**hugo**  : yeah and antoine is black

**blaise**  : and we all genuinely care about stuttgart

**nzonzi**  : and chelsea are gonna win the ucl

**steve**  : i think they're being sarcastic

**nzonzi**  : yOu DoNt SaY?


	4. sheikh florian thauvin

_back in deux etoiles_

**laca** : hey guys

**anto** : hey alex

**laca** : can matteo and auba join

**moussa** : yeah i was wondering if serge could join

**ousmane** : no

**raphaël** : no

**ben** : no

**flo**   **thauvin** : the people have spoken

**laca** : HEY THIS ISN'T FAIR

**ben** : doesn't auba play for gabon or something

**raphaël** : yeah and aurier plays for the ivory coast

_Alexandre Lacazette adds Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang to the group chat_

**kylian** : SHE DOESN'T EVEN GO HERE

**ousmane** : sorry auba but you can't be in the group

**auba** : i don't care what you say

**anto** : hugo is gonna mock you for missing the penalty

_Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang has left the group_

**auba** : fuck you guys

_Alexandre Lacazette has left the group_

**hugo** : what's going on

_Moussa Sissoko has left the group_

**anto** : alex got mad because we wouldn't let his boyfriend join the group

**n'golo** : that wasn't very nice of you guys

**n'golo** : we all know those two can't be apart for more than a second

**ousmane** : I-

**kylian** : DID HE JUST

**flo**   **thauvin** : HE DID

**presko** : DAMN NG

**hugo** : guys stop

**n'golo** : yeah guys just stop it

**ousmane** : or what?

**kylian** : are you gonna roast us like you did to laca and auba

**n'golo** : maybe i will, donatello

**presko** : YALL SEEING THIS SHIT

**n'golo** : i'm going to bed

**raphaël** : me too

**benji** : bye guys!

**ousmane** : bootlicker

**benji** : excuse you?

**kylian** : B O O T L I C K E R

**anto** : how does it feel being that far up kantés ass

**benji** : shut up antwan

**ousmane** : "sleep tight ng have a good game ng shove your cock in me ng"

**benji** : it's called affection. i know it's hard for you since you didn't receive any as a child

**ousmane** : yEAH AFFECTION FOR HIS DICK

**kylian** : guys be a bit more mature

**kylian** : it's obvious that benji tops

**benji** : paul?

**paul** : its okay benji being a gay footballer is very hard but i'm here for you

**benji** : NOT WHAT I MEANt

**nabil** : i'll pay you all 50 bucks to shut the fuck up

**ousmane** : nah this is priceless

**paul** : leave benjamin alone

**paul** : he's a gay man living his best life

**benji** : PAUL NABILE POGBA

**paul** : sorry

**paul** : *lgbtq man

**benji** : i'm done

_Benjamin Pavard has left the group chat_

**flo thauvin** : bullying is haram

**ousmane** : thank you sheikh florian thauvin

 

_Private chat between Ousmane Dembele and Samuel Umtiti_

**sam** : ur being a dick

**ousmane** : fuck off

**sam** : how is benjamin supposed to know you like him if you keep being an asshole

**ousmane** : HEY

**ousmane** : I SAID THAT IN CONFIDENCE

**ousmane** : besides, i don't even like him like that

**sam** : you said he made ur tummy do backflips

**ousmane** : I WAS DRUNK

**sam** : oh really?

**sam** : whats ur background pic

**ousmane** : THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS CONVERSATION

**sam** : im waiting

**ousmane** : OKAY FINE ITS BENJI

**sam** : w h i p p e d

**ousmane** : fuck off

**sam** : just tell him how you feel dumbass

**ousmane** : no

**sam** : what's the worst that could happen?

**ousmane** : he could hear me

**sam** : you're hopeless

 

 


	5. n'golo doesn't miss the ucl

**hugo** : we’ve made a decision

 

**kylian** : oh really?

 

**giroud** : no more fighting during champions league

 

**n’golo** : country over club guys

 

**ousmane** : how’s life in the europa league?

 

**benji** : leave him alone ous

 

**sam** : yeah ous 

 

**sam** : leave him alone

 

**lucas** : AUPA ATLETI

 

**blaise** : i swear to god if you don’t shut the fuck up right now

 

 **lucas** : anto where are you

 

 **anto** : wait

 

**anto** : hattrick incoming

 

**thomas lemar** : ATLETI

 

**lucas** : ATLETI

 

**anto** : ATLETICO DE MADRID

 

**hugo** : this is what we meant

 

**flo thauvin** : hey ous

 

**flo thauvin** : please kill lyon

 

**ousmane** : no problem frero

 

**nabil fekir** : fuck you

 

**ousmane** : you been saving up pocket money to buy the ref?

 

**kylian** : nabil said hala madrid

 

**raphaël** : speaking of madrid…..

 

**blaise** : leave kyky alone you vultures

 

**flo thauvin** : did zizou send you

 

**raphaël** : sorry for trying to get him out of the farmers league

 

**presko** : who’s gonna tell him

 

**benji** : YOU’RE FRENCH ASSHOLE

 

**benji** : I DIDNT SEE YOU STARTING YOUR CAREER AT GIRONA

 

**ousmane** : dumb fuck

 

**n’golo** : can we save this for the break

 

**hugo** : pLEASE

 

**paul** : of course

 

**paul** : see you at clairefontaine kylian!

 

**presko** : IF YOU EVEN FUCKING LOOK AT KYLIAN

 

**areola** : I’LL SMASH YOU TO DEATH WITH MY GLOVES

 

**ben** : things are heating up in the group chat i see

 

**ousmane** : leave my mans alone

 

**sam** : your mans?

 

**ousmane** : SHUT UP 

 

**benji** : what’s going on between you two

 

**ousmane** : nothing ben

 

**ben** : what

 

**ousmane** : NOT YOU

  
**flo thauvin** : never change ous


	6. the antoine griezmann hate group

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this like two weeks ago so the moise kean cagliari thing was recent at the time

 

 

**blaise** : hey what happens if you mix a dumbass with a racist

 

**ousmane** : antoine

 

**flo** **thauvin** : antoine

 

**kylian** : antoine

 

**presko** : antoine 

 

**sam** : antoine

 

**ben** : antoine

 

**areola** : antoine

 

**hugo** : antoine

 

**steve** : antoine

 

**thomas** **lemar** : antoine

 

**lucas** : antoine

 

**paul** : i’m sorry anto but that’s literally you

 

**blaise** : I WAS GOING TO SAY BONUCCI OH MY GOD

 

**anto** : they have a point though

 

**ousmane** : the devil is self aware?

 

**thomas** **lemar** : we’ve been working on addressing his problematic side

 

**presko** : that’s like trying to tell a fish not to swim

 

**ousmane** : thats not a good metaphor dude

 

 **presko** : shut up asshole

 

**anto** : guys

 

**anto** : stop fighting

 

**anto** : i know its hard for you coloured people but you need to calm down

 

**ousmane** : i see the rehabilitation is going great

 

**thomas** **lemar** : BABY STEPS GUYS

 


End file.
